Maybe it's just a hole

Ever felt that even if you're in room full of people, you still feel alone? I do. There's always a room full of people, it's up to you to decide not to feel alone. You can talk to a stranger, a new person that you'd get to know. Perhaps this person is going to be special, perhaps not. It takes a step to take that leap of faith that maybe tomorrow, you won't be alone.

There are also times in your life that you are definitely not alone, you have your friends, your loved ones, your best friend, your spouse - everybody that seems to matter to you. But you still can't help feeling alone. Why?

What is the formula of this feeling? It's not the lack of people, not the lack of conversation in your part, not the lack of love in the room. So what is it?

It's most likely the feeling of emptiness inside of you. Probably a deep fear of not wanting to let anyone know that you're just broken inside. There's a hole that none of these people can ever fix. It's a hole that you turn to you when things get problematic in your environment. You resort to wallowing to that deep hole. You still smile. you do your thing, you cheerfully nod, but none of these matter until you're just back into that hole.

No one wants to admit they have a problem. It's like sin. You try to confess all you want but it's never really gone just by doing penance or doing a good deed to liquify the past bad deed.

In the end, just remember, you are going to be alone. No matter what they say "I'm here for you". When you pass to that afterlife, you are going to be on your own two feet crossing that bridge. Perhaps the reason we have that hole of feeling alone is to prepare us just for this journey. Maybe other people feel it more than others, but that hole is what you've got. So don't dread, just accept. And maybe you'd get that hole fix up once the journey is over.

Cross-fingers.

Random Post

I saw this interesting blog about this guy who took pictures of people taking pictures of his dog.  It seems silly but quite inventive as it became an attraction of some sorts in Chicago.  I guess people do love taking pictures of random dogs and hey why not come up with a post of these people taking these pictures. I guess it was his way of finding out more about these people and how the pictures of his dog would actually turn out.

I decided to email the owner and sent my own special shot.  I don't know if and when I can actually pass by his gallery in Chicago, so in the meantime I took a shot.

On Fasting and Diet (Part 1)

It's been a while since I wrote here.  Haven't had the urge to write for a long time.  But here I am now.

Okay back to my title.

Fasting

First of all, let me tell you the story of what happened during the period where I fasted "social media". It's not the usual thing to hear when it comes to fasting.  When people think of fasting, usually it's food.  But I decided to fast something that I thought I couldn't live without and that is Facebook, Twitter, Multiply, Flickr, YouTube, Tumblr and all other social sites that I visit everyday.  The reason why I did this is because I just wanted to stop for a bit and reflect.  I realized that for the past few months I was getting less resourceful and have been resorting to these sites to escape when I needed to do something.  I often procrastinate on certain tasks and I click away to the wonderful world of news and gossip.  So I decided to fast for two weeks.  And to tell you the truth, it felt very quiet - not really the physical eerie quiet, but my mind was just silent with cricket sounds.  I didn't notice how much I got dependent on knowing news through these social sites.  I honestly didn't know what's happening for that two weeks until someone (an actual physical person - not just a name I follow) shares something.  Uh-huh.  Hmmm....how did we end up in a world where all our information can actually be found in a single site?  And yes, the world wide web was still readily available, you can type news and you can see a lot of links to go to.  But through this step, you have to search the news yourself.  But in social media sites, they push you things, events, and news that are best suited to your needs.  You have already chosen to follow particular users, organisations that you like. The friends you "friend-ed" on FB have already similar backgrounds to yours so they post information that are most likely attuned to the things you follow, news you read, etc.  It's great right? It's all right on your fingertips - easily sorted for your reading pleasure.

My questions are:  Is social media really this powerful? Will it affect how people start utilising these social sites? (Basically, will a barrage of hungry companies and brands start plonking all their ads on these sites until you get a bunch load of spam, and before you know it you now have a big spam folder just like in your email provider?)  And how long will the social media trend last?

Just a reminder to us all:  If you wake up one morning to find out that FB has closed down and you can't seem to grasp the meaning of 0 friends, no updates to refresh, no things to 'like', and no Farmville - it is not the END of the world.  You have a life outside of it, go and live it.  Really. You find that you have a much clearer mind and a lot more time to do things.

But in the meantime, click, click.  I am still posting this on Facebook.  :P

Open Letter To God

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please forgive this heart of mine. Take away the hatred that I’m feeling. I know that everything is for a reason even if I don’t know what it is. You already know what it is. This is for me and not to hurt me. I want to learn how to be a stronger person and not take offenses.  You are the master of my heart, only you have control over me and nothing and no one else.  You know who I am and what I am capable of. The enemy wants to destroy me – he wants to take away my self-worth. I am urging for the Holy Spirit to come inside me and take away this pain that festers in my heart.  

I have taken my work too personally and have affected the way I see things. It affects my productivity. I let it simmer and cook on my whole mind and heart. I see the person who has taken offense against me and I am burdened with such pain and sorrow. I have wanted to lash out against this person.  As much as I want to better myself, I also know that everyone is different.  This is not to berate me – only to make me understand that your children are all different.   Lord, guide the hearts of others to give me the chance. All I ask is a chance and I will do the best that I can. You have already asked me to stay on – to carry out a task which I have yet to understand and fulfill. 

Make me stronger Lord, I want to be that person who trusts in the Lord and let him decide what is best for me. I have not yet learned this and I want to be able to give myself fully to you.  I want to be able to accept things that will come my way, for you alone know what’s best for me. 

I pray for patience. I want to learn how to wait as this is my biggest challenge.  Lord, you who are always waiting for us and who is timeless. You are the greatest teacher of patience – kindly teach me how to gain some of your gift and be able to control my anxiety. 

I have always looked inward and take all the blame onto myself. I want to give myself up and focus on others.  Lord, you are the epitome of selflessness – hearing our prayers every second of every hour of every day. You give so much and asking for little.

Finally, dear Lord, teach me how to let go.

Amen.

2012

The currently fixated number I have on my head as I try to figure out the plan for the rest of my life.  Yes, this is the year I'm going to finally get married.  

A lot of my friends have already asked why the late date.  I wanted a February month for our wedding, I find 2011 date is too soon, hence, my reason for moving it another year.  It seems like a shallow reason but then again, it gave us more time for preparation.  Both RA and I currently reside in Singapore and we are having our wedding in the Philippines.  The planning is gonna be quite tedious. 

RA asked me if I want to move it earlier, but I guess we could but I don't want to put so much pressure on the preparations.  What's the rush if we have the rest of our lives? I'm very fussy anyway, and I know the headache and pain I can put into other people coz of my irkiness over little things.  I'm just hoping for the best. 

The MRT seat dilemma

Okay, I thought about writing this post after seeing a young guy offer the elderly uncle his seat on the middle seating. The uncle suddenly launched into conversation with the guy about the reserved seats and how people don't even follow the signs anymore.  He went on and on about young kids today.  It was actually a 30ish auntie who was currently seating on the reserved seat.  Here in Singapore, the reserved seating has been a bone of contention for most people.  I remember hearing a story of this one time (in band camp! oops sorry, just had to interject this American Pie liner :P) when a girl a matter-of-factly told someone seating on the reserved seating that the woman beside her was pregnant. The guy couldn't distinguish if the girl was just fat and didn't want to offend if maybe she was just sporting a bulging stomach. I mean seriously, it was an honest mistake sometimes but people tend to treat this sign as the holy grail of MRT seating.

Singapore's MRT Reserved Seating Signage on every seat nearest to the doors

I remember when RA first came here in SG.  He got used to giving up his seat in the MRT back home in the Philippines for women.  He is such a gentleman.  So he did so here in SG in the beginning for every woman be it young or old that just fortunately stands in front of his seat until I finally told him not to do it here anymore.  My reasons were first it was not just done here, boo-hoo to me and societal conducts that I tend to follow. Secondly, I didn't know how a local here would react to such a thing.  What if the woman gets offended perhaps it will be mistaken that she looks weakly or getting a differential treatment from others and thus earning a certain distrust over my bf's agenda.  There is no agenda gurl! He is just the perfect gentleman.  Sometimes, I'm worried that I have indeed changed this side of him.  He's the type of guy who gives up his seat, who holds the door open, lets the girl pass by first, and politely helps others if help is needed. I admit that I too have succumbed to the MRT seat dilemma.  The reserved seating sign is a good guide but I find politeness shouldn't only apply to the reserved seats nearest to the doors.  No matter which seat you're in, it's good practice to offer to a person who needs it.  

How to have the almost perfect guy?

Okay, let's face it. No one is perfect, only God is. But that's an entirely different topic.

There are two things that came to mind when I made this guide. It's pretty simple.

1. Let him endure seeing the anguished Edward for the whole of Twilight and still get him to agree to watch the sequel. 

2.  He goes to watch SATC2 knowingly that he has to endure 146 mins of it.  And yes, he also watched SATC1 when I watched it for the uhm...2nd time on DVD.  

Maybe I knew all along just how wonderful RA is.  First of all, this topic popped into my head after watching SATC2 - a grueling 146 mins of his life tortured by scenes of women's fashion, men, gay men (worst), bulging erections (keep going), gay men kissing (so help him!), and woman who gawk at hot studs, and more fashion.  

Side note: RA is your typical conservative guy who likes his robots, games, anything technological and has no interest in fashion whatsoever. He wears comfortably and knows what he like and sticks with it.  

I did tell him that he didn't need to see it with me. I grew up with SATC and I had to have my "Carrie" moments.  But alas, he wanted to make me happy. Okay, pause...and emo moment over. :)

SATC2 Movie Poster: I heart Carrie!

After this movie, I realized that he also endured Twilight with me (Yes, the two movies) and I'm sorry to say even the upcoming Eclipse.  Well, you have to finish the series, or else you'll just be left hanging.   

So I guess, you've got a winner there if you're guy has already done the two things I've mentioned.  You'd probably get it 'perfect' once he endures another Edward - Jacob - Bella movie.  As we all know, there's still the 4th book coming for the freakin finale (if they do the 4th film).  I just wish Pattinson gets acting lessons before this movie. Wishful thinking? :P