I don't know how to be happy. Not really. Sometimes I think I unknowingly look for things that will make me depressed.
People around me try to lift me up when I'm down. I hear their words of encouragement, support, and prayers. At that moment, I feel uplifted and I sense a positive thinking coming out of me. Then the negativity will come and burst that positivity bubble. I've never been good with trials and dilemmas - I tend to exaggerate and it gets to me all the time. I try to squish my defense mechanisms which will make wallow in myself, find things to regret about, and just blame myself.
I can't count the times that I tell myself - no Zeri, be positive, you can do it. Jesus believes in you. I hear that being told in my mind, but my heart speaks differently. I get back to the wallowing and the worrying.
What's the use of worrying when it's out of your hands, right? That's not me. I still do, even if it's beyond my control. I have this sort of sickness that I can't do anything right until I fix a portion that is wrong. Realistically, we can't make everything right so why do I still think that I can't move on. It's as if I have a broken leg, I cease to exist. Yes, logically and rationally, I can think them. But still, my actions and feelings act differently.
I want to change my outlook. I want to live free of this disease. I need to turn my life upside down and see a new change in me. I want to...please do.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Maybe it's just a hole
Ever felt that even if you're in room full of people, you still feel alone? I do. There's always a room full of people, it's up to you to decide not to feel alone. You can talk to a stranger, a new person that you'd get to know. Perhaps this person is going to be special, perhaps not. It takes a step to take that leap of faith that maybe tomorrow, you won't be alone.
There are also times in your life that you are definitely not alone, you have your friends, your loved ones, your best friend, your spouse - everybody that seems to matter to you. But you still can't help feeling alone. Why?
What is the formula of this feeling? It's not the lack of people, not the lack of conversation in your part, not the lack of love in the room. So what is it?
It's most likely the feeling of emptiness inside of you. Probably a deep fear of not wanting to let anyone know that you're just broken inside. There's a hole that none of these people can ever fix. It's a hole that you turn to you when things get problematic in your environment. You resort to wallowing to that deep hole. You still smile. you do your thing, you cheerfully nod, but none of these matter until you're just back into that hole.
No one wants to admit they have a problem. It's like sin. You try to confess all you want but it's never really gone just by doing penance or doing a good deed to liquify the past bad deed.
In the end, just remember, you are going to be alone. No matter what they say "I'm here for you". When you pass to that afterlife, you are going to be on your own two feet crossing that bridge. Perhaps the reason we have that hole of feeling alone is to prepare us just for this journey. Maybe other people feel it more than others, but that hole is what you've got. So don't dread, just accept. And maybe you'd get that hole fix up once the journey is over.
Cross-fingers.
There are also times in your life that you are definitely not alone, you have your friends, your loved ones, your best friend, your spouse - everybody that seems to matter to you. But you still can't help feeling alone. Why?
What is the formula of this feeling? It's not the lack of people, not the lack of conversation in your part, not the lack of love in the room. So what is it?
It's most likely the feeling of emptiness inside of you. Probably a deep fear of not wanting to let anyone know that you're just broken inside. There's a hole that none of these people can ever fix. It's a hole that you turn to you when things get problematic in your environment. You resort to wallowing to that deep hole. You still smile. you do your thing, you cheerfully nod, but none of these matter until you're just back into that hole.
No one wants to admit they have a problem. It's like sin. You try to confess all you want but it's never really gone just by doing penance or doing a good deed to liquify the past bad deed.
In the end, just remember, you are going to be alone. No matter what they say "I'm here for you". When you pass to that afterlife, you are going to be on your own two feet crossing that bridge. Perhaps the reason we have that hole of feeling alone is to prepare us just for this journey. Maybe other people feel it more than others, but that hole is what you've got. So don't dread, just accept. And maybe you'd get that hole fix up once the journey is over.
Cross-fingers.
