Changing

The tides are changing. It's shifting further inward. Perhaps even back to the part where it all should have began.

I have begun my descent. Or maybe I've never really progressed at all. I'm stuck at my own vanity, my cursed selfishness. I keep up rules that don't really make sense, which just makes the journey worse each day. There are only false enigmas and indignities that I talk of just to cover up my insecurities. Far from improvement, I'm just wallowing myself in self-scorn and berating myself for it after. Why can't I just stand up and take a step towards a different life? He's giving me boundaries of reality that I should walk on. But I still hang on to the poles I erected around myself, only because I hang on to my selfishness. He has become a better person while I am stuck in this limbo. Not budging and too afraid to be humbled.

I am but a simpleton in this cycle we call relationship. I breathe, I take, I live. All the Is without knowing the whys. I say I care about the other when the other has been the one to live up to my expectations of love, feeding it unconditionally to the point of me feeling powerful and omniscient about this gift that I was given. Pull me down back to reality. Help me stand on my own two feet once more, perhaps it will teach me how to fight again - for myself and for the other.

Do not seek, just do.

I wanted to write but I keep second guessing myself. I have already back spaced a bit.  Another one.  :p 

Life has been good and the pieces seem to be all here near me.  I feel like an almost finished puzzle.  But that can't be since I'm only 24.  There's a whole life out there that needs to be pieced together.  

Wary and anxious.  That's how I feel about my future. Yep, I'm thinking of it, imagining it on how it would be like.  But why worry about the future if I don't have a present?  Being more responsible and careful is my number one priority in saving myself from disorder.  I'd probably have to throw away a bit of unpredictability (unless I get bored).  It's never fun without it.  

Books are still a good source of taking my mind to different places. It's a good thing I have not gotten tired of reading.  

Perhaps I need a new hobby to take away this little hole that is starting to develop in me.  It's still the adventure in me that creeps in from time to time.  Any suggestions? 

Question for the day: What were you thinking?