Apologies Not Accepted

Dear You,

I have been neglectful lately and taken things for granted.  I created you as my source of energy and slowly sucked it out of you.  You ask for simple things in return which I disregarded like a shrug. I asked "what's wrong?" but you've let it go.  In turn, I've let it go as well, but I have not seen clearly the pain you're feeling.  We only have this strong emotional bond that ties us together but how long will it last?  Every time it comes to the point of argument, I tell myself to be different, to change to suit to your rules and principles.  I still rebel and do it my way.  No matter what I start to do, the next day would still return the old me.  The real problem lies in me - I care too much outwardly, in turn, I neglect things that should have mattered the most.  I am truly sorry and I wish with all my might that I could turn back time and regain back your trust and confidence in me.  I'm hurt by what you've said but I guess like they say "the truth does hurt".  I want to give you an out but I'm too scared to ask it.  I'm not as courageous and aloof as I was before.  The thought of losing you is more sad than the saddest song I've ever heard.  Still, if you do give me the exit door, then I will try to cross it.  I know I've said this before, but really, if this what it takes me for me to realize my selfishness and change for the better.  I will really have to take this journey of change ahead.  I'm afraid to ask for more chances which I've failed, but for the last time, I will still ask for it...

Yours truly,
Me

Excruciating Moment in Time

For one moment of weakness, I have now turned my well-ordered life upside down.  A whirlwind of one mistake after the other.  Listening is not one of my great skills and I find myself doing everything that opposite of what I've been told.  Why? Coz I'm just obstinate.  I actually have a good life and shouldn't even complain. But the feeling of lost is suddenly so much clearer now without the rose-colored tinted glasses.  It's as if a dose of an extreme cold reality has completely obliterated them.  Peace, where are thou when I needed you the most?  It's a jumble of emotions that I'm feeling right now.  And I'm in a place when a phone call, a visit, a road trip away is not possible.  How I long for just a quick getaway to Tagaytay or somewhere like a favorite trip to a bookstore can help cure the blues away?  This is not home.  It has never been and might never be home.  I miss my old room.  I miss my lil brother who with just a smile and a laugh can take away the sadness in me.  Please don't mistake my musings that I do not have such person taking care of me here - I do and he makes me happy a thousand fold.  I just need that family warmth and safe environment familiarty to cushion me when I feel this depressed again.  As I was releasing some extra water from the dam, I cannot help but reminisce and miss my friends. TP for one...has been a respite or an easy call away when I'm feeling stupidly morose.  But now as more time passes between our close & easy conversations just feels like just a distant memory.  Reading this whole thing again before posting makes me sound like such a whiny person, sigh*.  I really hate myself right now.  Maturity hasn't entered into my life equation yet.  I'm stuck to being the spoiled little girl who just so happens to know too many words so she can write down things to complain about. 
I do hope I'd get the jolly old me back again and return back the happy facade (I mean face) back to my personality again.   

9.9.9

I was fascinated by the 'magical' moment of this date.  Is there really something special about it?  They say it's lucky number 9. But how did people come up with the corelation between number 9 and luck?  I tried searching the number 9 on the internet.  It has a lot of different meanings.  In Hinduism, it's revered and considered perfected and divine number because it represents the end of a cycle in the decimal system. In Christian angelic hierarchy, there are 9 choirs of angels.  Nine is lucky in Chinese because it sounds similar to the word "longlasting".  So on and so forth.  I don't know who to believe but I guess to each his own. :)  So today, I want to wish 9 warm greetings and....here's my dedication to the number 9: 


1. The first thing I remember with the number 9 is the age my close friend in elementary first had her period.  I remember thinking why it was so early for her.  This number got stuck in my head.

2. The first ever card game I remember playing is Lucky 9 -  it's like Blackjack but instead you get two cards, you have to total it to 9, whoever is closest or gets the exact number to 9 wins. 

3. 9 PM is the time I needed to sleep during my grade school years or else.

4. Channel 9 (or RPN 9) used to be my favorite channel because I was able to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Roswell.  

5. 9 + 9 yields to 18.  My debut to society (based on old tradition - but really nowadays it's just an excuse to throw a big shindig).  I had a pool party with the usual 18 candles and 18 roses there to celebrate with me.   

6. "99 bottles of beer on the wall" doesn't suit me, how about "99 shots of vodka on the wall" :P

7. 9 lives of cats,  I've always wonder if they really do have 9 lives, if they do, how do they know if how many lives are left?

8.  9 - the animation movie with the voice of Elijah Wood and Nine - the new musical movie by Rob Marshall.  Both movies which I'm excited to see.

9.  9 days to go before I have to fly back home to see my family.  I know...coincidental or not?  I am flying home on the 19th so discounting this day which is almost half over.  I have 9 days to go.  Can't wait.

Happy 09.09.09 Day to everyone!

Housekeeping

Today I was inspired to open my blog. Ha! I was doing some 'housekeeping' on my macbook which is in sore need of some serious cleaning. Lately, its only use is for playing 'Sims' and I feel like I am unable to utilize the neat-o gadgets and applications (honestly, some of them I just really don't know how to use). One of these days I will try to learn. Anyway, the reason for my post is that I like collecting pictures and sometimes I forget that I have certain photos that I haven't edited, posted, or sent to friends who have been asking for copies. Apologies.

Anyway, I'm going off topic. I saw these set of images that I took last year when I went home to Phil. I suddenly had the urge to post them.

Basically, this is a "I'm missing my brother & sister entry". I've been having those emo moments and it doesn't help that I see these things. Sigh. Sometimes I still wonder why I'm here?

Question for the day: Who do you miss the most?

Foundation

Yesterday, I was writing on my blog about my gaming experience when I accidentally clicked on a button that bought me to another page. I hit the back button but lo and behold the page turned up error. So, I tried typing blogger.com back to see my dashboard and posts. It's gone. It didn't save the draft. I hated it when I've already written 2 paragraphs worth. And it was a such a positive post that I actually surprised myself. I guess my blog is telling me in such a 'coincidental' way perhaps that it's not meant to be posted. Okay, on to my post today.

Faith has brought me this far. (and yes, I'm sad).

I realized that having faith is a key element of a relationship. How did I come up with that conclusion?

I realized that in every relationship, love is not enough. You must have trust, understanding, and compromise. Yes, I said compromise. No one is ever truly right for each other. There will always come a time when a problem, belief, or practice arises that both of you don't agree upon. This is not a bad thing because each person/human being is unique. What one must learn is how to respect that other person's self-being. It's not easy because like I said before man is essentially selfish, and when one thing doesn't go your way - you tend to reject it. This is the first reaction - that unintentional response would be is not to accept. Then when you learn to accept this anomaly in your system it's because you have faith in this person.

Of course you must understand that love is still the foundation of the relationship. Because without it, you're just essentially just playing with that person or you're in lust with the person - take your pick. But I find that the key to holding this foundation together is faith. If you don't have faith, the foundation can start to rot. It will slowly deteriorate from various problems arising. I have always wondered why people break up even after how many years in a relationship and I know for a fact that this couple actually loves each other. The problem is their foundation didn't have that key to hold it together that's why - it just took years for it to finally give up.

Honestly, I do find myself afraid of losing this foundation. Faith has glued it back for me. It's not always sturdy especially at times of storms and strong winds. But I always try and I never ever stop trying. I might bellow and moan about it but I never want to give up.

This of course must be done by two persons having faith. I honestly believe that if you really want it to work out - four hands are needed to keep it strong and steady.

Faith has brought me this far. (I'm sorry)

Dread & Uncertainty

I dread writing again. It's been 4 months since I've written a word in this blog. I have reasoned time and time again that it's because I'm happy and there's really nothing to write about. I always tell myself the only time I write well is when I'm depressed. Sad words seem to slide from my fingetips more beautifully than happy ones (well, for me that is).

So, am I saying that I'm sad right now? Not particularly. I just found it a bit odd that after a long weekend spent at the beach. I was bawling my eyes out back at my place for no apparent reason but I just did. But why? I just spent a great weekend with RA.

Lack. That's my answer. I feel a lack of purpose. I'm working in SG to earn and save. For what? I've always thought that I'm saving up to be able to spend on the things I like most, so I can go out there and explore places I've never been. Now, I'm hesitant. It is as if I should be doing something else. They say it's hormones. This is such a flimsy excuse. And stop right there if your thoughts are veering towards the notion 'Woman! Make up your mind!'. I apologize in advance if this is creating a more angsty emotion towards all women in general who are fickle-minded.

I realized that after a certain event or activity that passed leaves me drained and now I'm yearning for something to look forward to. It's as if I always have a thirst that needs quenching. Goodness, this suddenly reminds me of vampires. But let's not veer away from the topic at hand. Back to thirst...hmmm...yep, RA says it's because I'm never satisfied. I get one thing that I yearn for another thing. Or sometimes I get one thing but realize I actually need another thing. I blame my upbringing. Darn it. I've usually gotten what I want in life but not by simply having a silver spoon in my mouth. I try to be as determined as possible in everything I do because hard work does pay off. At a young age, I've learned from my mom's experience that life is not easy. She taught me that everything has to be done through hard work and patience. So excuse my rants because it's just that...spoken words to let out complaints. In the end, words won't help speed up problems (probably just aggravates them). But it's just part of my release so let it be.

I realized recently that a certain person is going through something that I went through back in the Phil. The feeling of incompetence, lack of confidence, and dread of going to work. I don't regret feeling all these (of course, at that time, I might have felt differently). It know that it made me the person that I am right now. It was like boot camp and I felt the rigorous training has pushed me to try my best on the next part of my journey. I might still falter a bit but I understand that the training is still on-going. I am still in the process of learning. I just hope that the advice I gave can help this person.

Afraid still. I think the uncertainty is what kills me. I like knowing soon and having the pieces in place. But who out there knows what's gonna happen? Everything is certainly uncertain. That's all.

Question for the day: What do you dread the most?

The Aging Process

It was my first to attend a home for the sick and aged. Honestly, I was a bit scared at first because I didn't know what to expect. I'm not into old people (I sound so discriminatory). That fact makes me feel such a selfish person. Perhaps it's the unconscious fear in me of getting old and being alone.

Sadness - the first feeling I had seeing so many aunties and uncles sitting side by side on their wheelchairs. Some cannot speak or even see anymore. Some are bedridden with tubes inside their noses. Some who are curled up with pain reflected on their faces. Some who just stare off into space and mumble to themselves.

It was lunch time when we started walking around the place. I remember feeling incapable of helping. But I knew how to take care of kids and you know how sometimes when people grow old, it's a reversed process and they're now back to being a kid again.

It was this instance when I just started saying hi, waving at them and talking with them. I helped feed one auntie with her lunch just like I would a baby. It felt awkward at first but I realized I know what to do. I just instinctively wanted to help her. I wasn't waiting for her to recognize my good deed as she was unable to speak at all. She just nodded or shook her head at me. I couldn't explain why I still felt helpless even though I was already helping. It just feels like it's not enough. Is that it? Just feed them and then what they're back to wallowing in depression and pain? I don't know what to do.

There was also this Malay uncle who spoke to me that we are doing such a good thing. He told me jokingly that he's on his way home. At first, I though he was going home to his family and such but he pointed upwards saying "I'm going up there". He was telling me in his own way that he's passing soon. He was laughing like it was a joke which I couldn't quite swallow. He then told me a bit of his life story in bits and pieces. It was difficult for him to speak in English but I tried my best to understand and nodded at his words.

There were times when my selfishness kicks in. I tell RA that I do not want to grow old and be like them - pained, depressed and alone. But I should understand that life is a cycle and I would eventually reach this point in my life. I'm not quite so scared coz I have this feeling of security - which is my family. I know people have different points of view. But I still believe families should always be together through thick and thin, through sickness and in health, through all the years. It sounds like the first few phrases of a marriage vows but the truth is, this applies to every good relationship. I pray for each one of us to have this kind of relationship.

I want to visit them again and bring a bit of joy in their lives one smile at a time. It makes a whole of difference to them to have someone to talk to, to see another person who would listen and just plain be there for them. Here's the website link of the place we went to:

http://www.sreenarayanamission.org/

Some Images:



Question for the day: Do you care as much as you think you do?

Sometimes it feels like life is hunky-dory when in fact one little thing can change all that. I take one day at a time and still it feels like an eternity of waiting.

I crave patience and understanding. Perhaps I'm already at the downward slope. There are still so many things I want to do in my life. I want to be better at my job, learn a new skill, travel the world, be a better girlfriend etc. But it can be all too much. There is such a thing as trying too hard to a point that you're just failing in each task you set out to do.

I was desperate to do something new for a change and all I got was another disappointment. I was too desperate to even read the details. I was already going through the motions and exclaiming to almost everyone of what I was setting out to accomplish. But what I didn't do is read. A very big mistake especially in my line of work - it can be hazardous.

I can be a bit slow when it comes to understanding things. I find myself grasping for the correct answers to simple situations. Complicated ones seem to work best with me. But why is it the simplest things that sometimes require common sense can be vague to me. Again, why complicate things when it can be simple? I create poppycock logic when there's no such thing. Logic is logic. And yes, I might not have that.

Hurt. Discouraged. Insecure. All things that I currently feel but I know in my heart that I have someone who loves me despite my flaws. Thank you Jesus.

Don't be scared. I'm weak after all. So are you. I'm trying to change. Just let me know if you want to change too.

Noah knew a thing or two...

I’ve been meaning to write but somehow every time I think I will, something else happens. It’s not a ‘something’ that is very important. It can be something as silly as ‘oh, I have to wash the dishes’ – that sort of thing that I say or do to procrastinate. Go on…

During my walks back and forth to the MRT station, I wrote words in my head which I tell my memory bank to store until such time that I do write. The problem is, my memory bank automatically deletes itself when there’s a new item/event/situation/rant presents itself.
I really don’t want to go into details of my ‘cheery’ life. No need for ‘yawns’ and ‘duhs’. Hmmm….I try, ya know, to bring the negativity down a bit. I believe it helped with my weekly attendance in church. Finally found the one that gain the closeness I crave with my faith.

Oh, I was reading the newspaper one time, and it says that Singapore is found on the top 10 list of countries with the most gracious people. I really couldn’t believe it. Here I was reading this list during my MRT ride to the office, and I remember that time when I was in a lift with the door ready to close. A girl or a guy (couldn’t remember really) rushing to reach the lift. This uncle near the lift buttons was literally trying to push the close button – as if it couldn’t just close fast enough for him. I wanted to help but I was far behind the lift with people taking up space upfront because they want to be the first ones to get out. There were also those times when you see people near the lift buttons and don’t do anything about helping a fellow to reach the lift in time and just look away…look around the enclosed life or worse look at his/her watch or phone seemingly unaware. Yep, gracious. I do believe it.

I always remember what Robert told me he learned in Evan Almighty. I wasn’t able to watch this movie but he said God (Morgan Freeman, of course) said to “Do One Ark a Day” which means basically as ARK – A Random act of Kindness. This phrase I’ve carried around while I commute around Singapore. It’s really easy but some people perhaps have ingrained in their system that if it doesn’t do any good towards them, then why bother right? I feel so sad how a person can live this way. I believe that a person do not exist solely for himself. I know I’m not one to preach coz I’m so not perfect. I get angsty and I like to insist on things. But at the end of the day, life shouldn’t just be me, me and me.

Question for the day: What is your ARK today?

It's starting to feel like work again.

Or perhaps it's because I'm worried about something else. Honestly, I chose to be in this industry because I enjoy the unpredictability. But suddenly it feels like my rose-colored glasses are starting to break and I'm seeing things clearly. Everything seems to be spiraling and it feels like we're eating more than we can chew.

I don't mind the added work. In fact, it was a challenge for me if I could do it. I started out slow and I tried to learn as much as I can. But as more jobs come in, the design starts to falter, which was the first thing that drew the jobs in the first place.

There have been a few topics to write about here that I thought of in the past week but just didn't have the time. But why is it that there's always time to complain? Huh?! :P

Let's cut the rantings. This week wasn't all bad. There were good points which have held me this strong and secure. At the end of the day, it's you who matters. That's why, again, I will set my priorities or at least find a way for this to work again. This is just another challenge to overcome and I know it will be done.

Fairy Tales for 2009?

Life should be about the fairy tales. Yes, it shouldn't be that way because when you think about it logically - One, fairies don't exist (not proven though) and Two, tales are just that - stories.

I don't care. I still believe in them. Life can be nauseating and suffocating sometimes. But my mind and heart rebels at the thought that there are no happy endings. I still rant at the world but inside I want to feel that there's still something positive about it. Yes, I have professed time and time that 'pessimism' is my middle name. But I want to change that.

So far ever since I got here, I don't want to say it's been all good, but it has not been bad. I'm scared though - yes, the cycle of up and down that I believe happens will surely happen. *Stop! Okay the negativity is creeping in again. But please bear in mind it took me a while before I started to see the brighter side of sunshine.

A lot has happened already. There were a few holidays that have passed and life seems to progress and then before you know it, you're another year older. This year, it didn't seem to bother me as much as before. I used to think that birthdays should be always something important and special. But this year, I was mellow because I didn't have expectations. It made it a whole lot better that way. Honestly, I would still feel bad if no one remembered it. I'm still the girl who loves her cake and whatnot.

This year, I really hoped for the good and the bad. Life is about balance. One always hope for the good but never the bad right? But I believe we need some downtime so we can learn to step up and improve ourselves. So here I am. I will take you on Goliath! Okay, it's a metaphor in case you didn't know. :) But of course my main message here is to never stop believing in fairy tales because I know they do come true. You just have to believe. *Oh great...cheesy lines here I come. :p Seriously though, who doesn't love a happy ending?