Dread & Uncertainty

I dread writing again. It's been 4 months since I've written a word in this blog. I have reasoned time and time again that it's because I'm happy and there's really nothing to write about. I always tell myself the only time I write well is when I'm depressed. Sad words seem to slide from my fingetips more beautifully than happy ones (well, for me that is).

So, am I saying that I'm sad right now? Not particularly. I just found it a bit odd that after a long weekend spent at the beach. I was bawling my eyes out back at my place for no apparent reason but I just did. But why? I just spent a great weekend with RA.

Lack. That's my answer. I feel a lack of purpose. I'm working in SG to earn and save. For what? I've always thought that I'm saving up to be able to spend on the things I like most, so I can go out there and explore places I've never been. Now, I'm hesitant. It is as if I should be doing something else. They say it's hormones. This is such a flimsy excuse. And stop right there if your thoughts are veering towards the notion 'Woman! Make up your mind!'. I apologize in advance if this is creating a more angsty emotion towards all women in general who are fickle-minded.

I realized that after a certain event or activity that passed leaves me drained and now I'm yearning for something to look forward to. It's as if I always have a thirst that needs quenching. Goodness, this suddenly reminds me of vampires. But let's not veer away from the topic at hand. Back to thirst...hmmm...yep, RA says it's because I'm never satisfied. I get one thing that I yearn for another thing. Or sometimes I get one thing but realize I actually need another thing. I blame my upbringing. Darn it. I've usually gotten what I want in life but not by simply having a silver spoon in my mouth. I try to be as determined as possible in everything I do because hard work does pay off. At a young age, I've learned from my mom's experience that life is not easy. She taught me that everything has to be done through hard work and patience. So excuse my rants because it's just that...spoken words to let out complaints. In the end, words won't help speed up problems (probably just aggravates them). But it's just part of my release so let it be.

I realized recently that a certain person is going through something that I went through back in the Phil. The feeling of incompetence, lack of confidence, and dread of going to work. I don't regret feeling all these (of course, at that time, I might have felt differently). It know that it made me the person that I am right now. It was like boot camp and I felt the rigorous training has pushed me to try my best on the next part of my journey. I might still falter a bit but I understand that the training is still on-going. I am still in the process of learning. I just hope that the advice I gave can help this person.

Afraid still. I think the uncertainty is what kills me. I like knowing soon and having the pieces in place. But who out there knows what's gonna happen? Everything is certainly uncertain. That's all.

Question for the day: What do you dread the most?