Upside Down

I don't know how to be happy. Not really. Sometimes I think I unknowingly look for things that will make me depressed.

People around me try to lift me up when I'm down. I hear their words of encouragement, support, and prayers. At that moment, I feel uplifted and I sense a positive thinking coming out of me. Then the negativity will come and burst that positivity bubble. I've never been good with trials and dilemmas - I tend to exaggerate and it gets to me all the time. I try to squish my defense mechanisms which will make wallow in myself, find things to regret about, and just blame myself.
I can't count the times that I tell myself - no Zeri, be positive, you can do it. Jesus believes in you. I hear that being told in my mind, but my heart speaks differently. I get back to the wallowing and the worrying.

What's the use of worrying when it's out of your hands, right? That's not me. I still do, even if it's beyond my control. I have this sort of sickness that I can't do anything right until I fix a portion that is wrong. Realistically, we can't make everything right so why do I still think that I can't move on. It's as if I have a broken leg, I cease to exist. Yes, logically and rationally, I can think them. But still, my actions and feelings act differently.

I want to change my outlook. I want to live free of this disease. I need to turn my life upside down and see a new change in me. I want to...please do.