Apologies Not Accepted

Dear You,

I have been neglectful lately and taken things for granted.  I created you as my source of energy and slowly sucked it out of you.  You ask for simple things in return which I disregarded like a shrug. I asked "what's wrong?" but you've let it go.  In turn, I've let it go as well, but I have not seen clearly the pain you're feeling.  We only have this strong emotional bond that ties us together but how long will it last?  Every time it comes to the point of argument, I tell myself to be different, to change to suit to your rules and principles.  I still rebel and do it my way.  No matter what I start to do, the next day would still return the old me.  The real problem lies in me - I care too much outwardly, in turn, I neglect things that should have mattered the most.  I am truly sorry and I wish with all my might that I could turn back time and regain back your trust and confidence in me.  I'm hurt by what you've said but I guess like they say "the truth does hurt".  I want to give you an out but I'm too scared to ask it.  I'm not as courageous and aloof as I was before.  The thought of losing you is more sad than the saddest song I've ever heard.  Still, if you do give me the exit door, then I will try to cross it.  I know I've said this before, but really, if this what it takes me for me to realize my selfishness and change for the better.  I will really have to take this journey of change ahead.  I'm afraid to ask for more chances which I've failed, but for the last time, I will still ask for it...

Yours truly,
Me

Excruciating Moment in Time

For one moment of weakness, I have now turned my well-ordered life upside down.  A whirlwind of one mistake after the other.  Listening is not one of my great skills and I find myself doing everything that opposite of what I've been told.  Why? Coz I'm just obstinate.  I actually have a good life and shouldn't even complain. But the feeling of lost is suddenly so much clearer now without the rose-colored tinted glasses.  It's as if a dose of an extreme cold reality has completely obliterated them.  Peace, where are thou when I needed you the most?  It's a jumble of emotions that I'm feeling right now.  And I'm in a place when a phone call, a visit, a road trip away is not possible.  How I long for just a quick getaway to Tagaytay or somewhere like a favorite trip to a bookstore can help cure the blues away?  This is not home.  It has never been and might never be home.  I miss my old room.  I miss my lil brother who with just a smile and a laugh can take away the sadness in me.  Please don't mistake my musings that I do not have such person taking care of me here - I do and he makes me happy a thousand fold.  I just need that family warmth and safe environment familiarty to cushion me when I feel this depressed again.  As I was releasing some extra water from the dam, I cannot help but reminisce and miss my friends. TP for one...has been a respite or an easy call away when I'm feeling stupidly morose.  But now as more time passes between our close & easy conversations just feels like just a distant memory.  Reading this whole thing again before posting makes me sound like such a whiny person, sigh*.  I really hate myself right now.  Maturity hasn't entered into my life equation yet.  I'm stuck to being the spoiled little girl who just so happens to know too many words so she can write down things to complain about. 
I do hope I'd get the jolly old me back again and return back the happy facade (I mean face) back to my personality again.   

9.9.9

I was fascinated by the 'magical' moment of this date.  Is there really something special about it?  They say it's lucky number 9. But how did people come up with the corelation between number 9 and luck?  I tried searching the number 9 on the internet.  It has a lot of different meanings.  In Hinduism, it's revered and considered perfected and divine number because it represents the end of a cycle in the decimal system. In Christian angelic hierarchy, there are 9 choirs of angels.  Nine is lucky in Chinese because it sounds similar to the word "longlasting".  So on and so forth.  I don't know who to believe but I guess to each his own. :)  So today, I want to wish 9 warm greetings and....here's my dedication to the number 9: 


1. The first thing I remember with the number 9 is the age my close friend in elementary first had her period.  I remember thinking why it was so early for her.  This number got stuck in my head.

2. The first ever card game I remember playing is Lucky 9 -  it's like Blackjack but instead you get two cards, you have to total it to 9, whoever is closest or gets the exact number to 9 wins. 

3. 9 PM is the time I needed to sleep during my grade school years or else.

4. Channel 9 (or RPN 9) used to be my favorite channel because I was able to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Roswell.  

5. 9 + 9 yields to 18.  My debut to society (based on old tradition - but really nowadays it's just an excuse to throw a big shindig).  I had a pool party with the usual 18 candles and 18 roses there to celebrate with me.   

6. "99 bottles of beer on the wall" doesn't suit me, how about "99 shots of vodka on the wall" :P

7. 9 lives of cats,  I've always wonder if they really do have 9 lives, if they do, how do they know if how many lives are left?

8.  9 - the animation movie with the voice of Elijah Wood and Nine - the new musical movie by Rob Marshall.  Both movies which I'm excited to see.

9.  9 days to go before I have to fly back home to see my family.  I know...coincidental or not?  I am flying home on the 19th so discounting this day which is almost half over.  I have 9 days to go.  Can't wait.

Happy 09.09.09 Day to everyone!

Housekeeping

Today I was inspired to open my blog. Ha! I was doing some 'housekeeping' on my macbook which is in sore need of some serious cleaning. Lately, its only use is for playing 'Sims' and I feel like I am unable to utilize the neat-o gadgets and applications (honestly, some of them I just really don't know how to use). One of these days I will try to learn. Anyway, the reason for my post is that I like collecting pictures and sometimes I forget that I have certain photos that I haven't edited, posted, or sent to friends who have been asking for copies. Apologies.

Anyway, I'm going off topic. I saw these set of images that I took last year when I went home to Phil. I suddenly had the urge to post them.

Basically, this is a "I'm missing my brother & sister entry". I've been having those emo moments and it doesn't help that I see these things. Sigh. Sometimes I still wonder why I'm here?

Question for the day: Who do you miss the most?

Foundation

Yesterday, I was writing on my blog about my gaming experience when I accidentally clicked on a button that bought me to another page. I hit the back button but lo and behold the page turned up error. So, I tried typing blogger.com back to see my dashboard and posts. It's gone. It didn't save the draft. I hated it when I've already written 2 paragraphs worth. And it was a such a positive post that I actually surprised myself. I guess my blog is telling me in such a 'coincidental' way perhaps that it's not meant to be posted. Okay, on to my post today.

Faith has brought me this far. (and yes, I'm sad).

I realized that having faith is a key element of a relationship. How did I come up with that conclusion?

I realized that in every relationship, love is not enough. You must have trust, understanding, and compromise. Yes, I said compromise. No one is ever truly right for each other. There will always come a time when a problem, belief, or practice arises that both of you don't agree upon. This is not a bad thing because each person/human being is unique. What one must learn is how to respect that other person's self-being. It's not easy because like I said before man is essentially selfish, and when one thing doesn't go your way - you tend to reject it. This is the first reaction - that unintentional response would be is not to accept. Then when you learn to accept this anomaly in your system it's because you have faith in this person.

Of course you must understand that love is still the foundation of the relationship. Because without it, you're just essentially just playing with that person or you're in lust with the person - take your pick. But I find that the key to holding this foundation together is faith. If you don't have faith, the foundation can start to rot. It will slowly deteriorate from various problems arising. I have always wondered why people break up even after how many years in a relationship and I know for a fact that this couple actually loves each other. The problem is their foundation didn't have that key to hold it together that's why - it just took years for it to finally give up.

Honestly, I do find myself afraid of losing this foundation. Faith has glued it back for me. It's not always sturdy especially at times of storms and strong winds. But I always try and I never ever stop trying. I might bellow and moan about it but I never want to give up.

This of course must be done by two persons having faith. I honestly believe that if you really want it to work out - four hands are needed to keep it strong and steady.

Faith has brought me this far. (I'm sorry)

Dread & Uncertainty

I dread writing again. It's been 4 months since I've written a word in this blog. I have reasoned time and time again that it's because I'm happy and there's really nothing to write about. I always tell myself the only time I write well is when I'm depressed. Sad words seem to slide from my fingetips more beautifully than happy ones (well, for me that is).

So, am I saying that I'm sad right now? Not particularly. I just found it a bit odd that after a long weekend spent at the beach. I was bawling my eyes out back at my place for no apparent reason but I just did. But why? I just spent a great weekend with RA.

Lack. That's my answer. I feel a lack of purpose. I'm working in SG to earn and save. For what? I've always thought that I'm saving up to be able to spend on the things I like most, so I can go out there and explore places I've never been. Now, I'm hesitant. It is as if I should be doing something else. They say it's hormones. This is such a flimsy excuse. And stop right there if your thoughts are veering towards the notion 'Woman! Make up your mind!'. I apologize in advance if this is creating a more angsty emotion towards all women in general who are fickle-minded.

I realized that after a certain event or activity that passed leaves me drained and now I'm yearning for something to look forward to. It's as if I always have a thirst that needs quenching. Goodness, this suddenly reminds me of vampires. But let's not veer away from the topic at hand. Back to thirst...hmmm...yep, RA says it's because I'm never satisfied. I get one thing that I yearn for another thing. Or sometimes I get one thing but realize I actually need another thing. I blame my upbringing. Darn it. I've usually gotten what I want in life but not by simply having a silver spoon in my mouth. I try to be as determined as possible in everything I do because hard work does pay off. At a young age, I've learned from my mom's experience that life is not easy. She taught me that everything has to be done through hard work and patience. So excuse my rants because it's just that...spoken words to let out complaints. In the end, words won't help speed up problems (probably just aggravates them). But it's just part of my release so let it be.

I realized recently that a certain person is going through something that I went through back in the Phil. The feeling of incompetence, lack of confidence, and dread of going to work. I don't regret feeling all these (of course, at that time, I might have felt differently). It know that it made me the person that I am right now. It was like boot camp and I felt the rigorous training has pushed me to try my best on the next part of my journey. I might still falter a bit but I understand that the training is still on-going. I am still in the process of learning. I just hope that the advice I gave can help this person.

Afraid still. I think the uncertainty is what kills me. I like knowing soon and having the pieces in place. But who out there knows what's gonna happen? Everything is certainly uncertain. That's all.

Question for the day: What do you dread the most?

The Aging Process

It was my first to attend a home for the sick and aged. Honestly, I was a bit scared at first because I didn't know what to expect. I'm not into old people (I sound so discriminatory). That fact makes me feel such a selfish person. Perhaps it's the unconscious fear in me of getting old and being alone.

Sadness - the first feeling I had seeing so many aunties and uncles sitting side by side on their wheelchairs. Some cannot speak or even see anymore. Some are bedridden with tubes inside their noses. Some who are curled up with pain reflected on their faces. Some who just stare off into space and mumble to themselves.

It was lunch time when we started walking around the place. I remember feeling incapable of helping. But I knew how to take care of kids and you know how sometimes when people grow old, it's a reversed process and they're now back to being a kid again.

It was this instance when I just started saying hi, waving at them and talking with them. I helped feed one auntie with her lunch just like I would a baby. It felt awkward at first but I realized I know what to do. I just instinctively wanted to help her. I wasn't waiting for her to recognize my good deed as she was unable to speak at all. She just nodded or shook her head at me. I couldn't explain why I still felt helpless even though I was already helping. It just feels like it's not enough. Is that it? Just feed them and then what they're back to wallowing in depression and pain? I don't know what to do.

There was also this Malay uncle who spoke to me that we are doing such a good thing. He told me jokingly that he's on his way home. At first, I though he was going home to his family and such but he pointed upwards saying "I'm going up there". He was telling me in his own way that he's passing soon. He was laughing like it was a joke which I couldn't quite swallow. He then told me a bit of his life story in bits and pieces. It was difficult for him to speak in English but I tried my best to understand and nodded at his words.

There were times when my selfishness kicks in. I tell RA that I do not want to grow old and be like them - pained, depressed and alone. But I should understand that life is a cycle and I would eventually reach this point in my life. I'm not quite so scared coz I have this feeling of security - which is my family. I know people have different points of view. But I still believe families should always be together through thick and thin, through sickness and in health, through all the years. It sounds like the first few phrases of a marriage vows but the truth is, this applies to every good relationship. I pray for each one of us to have this kind of relationship.

I want to visit them again and bring a bit of joy in their lives one smile at a time. It makes a whole of difference to them to have someone to talk to, to see another person who would listen and just plain be there for them. Here's the website link of the place we went to:

http://www.sreenarayanamission.org/

Some Images:



Question for the day: Do you care as much as you think you do?