Post V-day Blues

I tell him I’m emotional.
He tells me that V-day is just an invented concept made by corporations that entice people to spend.
I tell him I will try not to have high expectations.
He tells me to just appreciate the things he’s done before.
I tell him it’s so silly of him to recycle items I actually bought myself and give them to me as gifts.
He tells me I’m being unfair and that he is trying his best to make an effort.
I tell him I’m sorry.
He tells me he’s sorry that he is not what I want him to be.

In the end, logic wins....

The Failing Hard Disk

I think I had an epiphany today. I am a symbol of the failing/failed hard disk. I used to work so well. With enough power, I can be plugged and play. I am able to save, copy, and deliver data. But one day, I just started failing - I’m slowing down, I can’t be read properly, I’m having trouble coping up with the amount of data that was taken away from me. So I start to falter. I tried retrieving the data back, I tried to troubleshoot my problems when I’m just really procrastinating and pushing the real issues under the hood. I have turned myself into this faulty hard disk which used to be so useful and now have become useless.

I'm still pretending that I'm robust and sturdy hard disk. I have become weak and slow. I still try to work but I’m now just a shell of myself.

I blamed my lack of energy and power to overworking (full of data) and then when I’ve started deleting the data (work), it backfired. I’ve taken too many rounds of emptying unto the trash bin that I’ve started to falter. Useless junk has started piling over the emptiness that gathered inside me. I’ve become obsolete. I’ve started pulling and pushing - in and out - trying to recover the great data that I once had but only to be filled with air that has now burst.

No wonder I haven’t gotten the one thing I’ve wanted for the past year.

Upside Down

I don't know how to be happy. Not really. Sometimes I think I unknowingly look for things that will make me depressed.

People around me try to lift me up when I'm down. I hear their words of encouragement, support, and prayers. At that moment, I feel uplifted and I sense a positive thinking coming out of me. Then the negativity will come and burst that positivity bubble. I've never been good with trials and dilemmas - I tend to exaggerate and it gets to me all the time. I try to squish my defense mechanisms which will make wallow in myself, find things to regret about, and just blame myself.
I can't count the times that I tell myself - no Zeri, be positive, you can do it. Jesus believes in you. I hear that being told in my mind, but my heart speaks differently. I get back to the wallowing and the worrying.

What's the use of worrying when it's out of your hands, right? That's not me. I still do, even if it's beyond my control. I have this sort of sickness that I can't do anything right until I fix a portion that is wrong. Realistically, we can't make everything right so why do I still think that I can't move on. It's as if I have a broken leg, I cease to exist. Yes, logically and rationally, I can think them. But still, my actions and feelings act differently.

I want to change my outlook. I want to live free of this disease. I need to turn my life upside down and see a new change in me. I want to...please do.

Maybe it's just a hole

Ever felt that even if you're in room full of people, you still feel alone? I do. There's always a room full of people, it's up to you to decide not to feel alone. You can talk to a stranger, a new person that you'd get to know. Perhaps this person is going to be special, perhaps not. It takes a step to take that leap of faith that maybe tomorrow, you won't be alone.

There are also times in your life that you are definitely not alone, you have your friends, your loved ones, your best friend, your spouse - everybody that seems to matter to you. But you still can't help feeling alone. Why?

What is the formula of this feeling? It's not the lack of people, not the lack of conversation in your part, not the lack of love in the room. So what is it?

It's most likely the feeling of emptiness inside of you. Probably a deep fear of not wanting to let anyone know that you're just broken inside. There's a hole that none of these people can ever fix. It's a hole that you turn to you when things get problematic in your environment. You resort to wallowing to that deep hole. You still smile. you do your thing, you cheerfully nod, but none of these matter until you're just back into that hole.

No one wants to admit they have a problem. It's like sin. You try to confess all you want but it's never really gone just by doing penance or doing a good deed to liquify the past bad deed.

In the end, just remember, you are going to be alone. No matter what they say "I'm here for you". When you pass to that afterlife, you are going to be on your own two feet crossing that bridge. Perhaps the reason we have that hole of feeling alone is to prepare us just for this journey. Maybe other people feel it more than others, but that hole is what you've got. So don't dread, just accept. And maybe you'd get that hole fix up once the journey is over.

Cross-fingers.

Random Post

I saw this interesting blog about this guy who took pictures of people taking pictures of his dog.  It seems silly but quite inventive as it became an attraction of some sorts in Chicago.  I guess people do love taking pictures of random dogs and hey why not come up with a post of these people taking these pictures. I guess it was his way of finding out more about these people and how the pictures of his dog would actually turn out.

I decided to email the owner and sent my own special shot.  I don't know if and when I can actually pass by his gallery in Chicago, so in the meantime I took a shot.

On Fasting and Diet (Part 1)

It's been a while since I wrote here.  Haven't had the urge to write for a long time.  But here I am now.

Okay back to my title.

Fasting

First of all, let me tell you the story of what happened during the period where I fasted "social media". It's not the usual thing to hear when it comes to fasting.  When people think of fasting, usually it's food.  But I decided to fast something that I thought I couldn't live without and that is Facebook, Twitter, Multiply, Flickr, YouTube, Tumblr and all other social sites that I visit everyday.  The reason why I did this is because I just wanted to stop for a bit and reflect.  I realized that for the past few months I was getting less resourceful and have been resorting to these sites to escape when I needed to do something.  I often procrastinate on certain tasks and I click away to the wonderful world of news and gossip.  So I decided to fast for two weeks.  And to tell you the truth, it felt very quiet - not really the physical eerie quiet, but my mind was just silent with cricket sounds.  I didn't notice how much I got dependent on knowing news through these social sites.  I honestly didn't know what's happening for that two weeks until someone (an actual physical person - not just a name I follow) shares something.  Uh-huh.  Hmmm....how did we end up in a world where all our information can actually be found in a single site?  And yes, the world wide web was still readily available, you can type news and you can see a lot of links to go to.  But through this step, you have to search the news yourself.  But in social media sites, they push you things, events, and news that are best suited to your needs.  You have already chosen to follow particular users, organisations that you like. The friends you "friend-ed" on FB have already similar backgrounds to yours so they post information that are most likely attuned to the things you follow, news you read, etc.  It's great right? It's all right on your fingertips - easily sorted for your reading pleasure.

My questions are:  Is social media really this powerful? Will it affect how people start utilising these social sites? (Basically, will a barrage of hungry companies and brands start plonking all their ads on these sites until you get a bunch load of spam, and before you know it you now have a big spam folder just like in your email provider?)  And how long will the social media trend last?

Just a reminder to us all:  If you wake up one morning to find out that FB has closed down and you can't seem to grasp the meaning of 0 friends, no updates to refresh, no things to 'like', and no Farmville - it is not the END of the world.  You have a life outside of it, go and live it.  Really. You find that you have a much clearer mind and a lot more time to do things.

But in the meantime, click, click.  I am still posting this on Facebook.  :P

Open Letter To God

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please forgive this heart of mine. Take away the hatred that I’m feeling. I know that everything is for a reason even if I don’t know what it is. You already know what it is. This is for me and not to hurt me. I want to learn how to be a stronger person and not take offenses.  You are the master of my heart, only you have control over me and nothing and no one else.  You know who I am and what I am capable of. The enemy wants to destroy me – he wants to take away my self-worth. I am urging for the Holy Spirit to come inside me and take away this pain that festers in my heart.  

I have taken my work too personally and have affected the way I see things. It affects my productivity. I let it simmer and cook on my whole mind and heart. I see the person who has taken offense against me and I am burdened with such pain and sorrow. I have wanted to lash out against this person.  As much as I want to better myself, I also know that everyone is different.  This is not to berate me – only to make me understand that your children are all different.   Lord, guide the hearts of others to give me the chance. All I ask is a chance and I will do the best that I can. You have already asked me to stay on – to carry out a task which I have yet to understand and fulfill. 

Make me stronger Lord, I want to be that person who trusts in the Lord and let him decide what is best for me. I have not yet learned this and I want to be able to give myself fully to you.  I want to be able to accept things that will come my way, for you alone know what’s best for me. 

I pray for patience. I want to learn how to wait as this is my biggest challenge.  Lord, you who are always waiting for us and who is timeless. You are the greatest teacher of patience – kindly teach me how to gain some of your gift and be able to control my anxiety. 

I have always looked inward and take all the blame onto myself. I want to give myself up and focus on others.  Lord, you are the epitome of selflessness – hearing our prayers every second of every hour of every day. You give so much and asking for little.

Finally, dear Lord, teach me how to let go.

Amen.